I enjoy the shooting but not so much the editting
sometimes I'm discouraged looking at my own pictures... I should only shoot in natural light, seems I do best there

things are looking up though
but I'm afraid my expectations are way too high

heaven holds me

Current Music: kim walker

you never really know how it feels to know someone that dies til it actually happens
then it feels unreal
I feel like my whole life is a dream without my father
I think about him almost constantly lately
crying at any movie that deals with death
or any song that deals with love and God
and I dreamt about him the other night
we were yard saling and I wanted to go down a hallway full of junk
but he didn't
so when I found cool stuff I'd bring it out there and show it to him
like a suit I thought my brother could wear
but then we both agreed it'd probably be too small
dad and I actually did go yard saling not long before his first surgery
he bought me a statue of a blue deer
its on my desk right next to me now
I can't wait to see him again
I don't want anyone that reads this to think I'm not dealing with this
or that I'm overly depressed (could be true, but don't think it anyhow)
its just death is such an overwhelming subject
yes I know where I'm going when I die
and no I'm not scared of death, for myself at least
I just don't like dealing without people that have been here my whole life
but I can say that I'm dealing with the death of my father extremely well compared to if I lost my brother
if you ever hear that Page has died go ahead and put me in an insane asylum
not that I love Page any more than my father
its just a completely different relationship
how would you measure love anyway?

I'm not very good with words...
but I wish I could paint this picture for you
I was laying in my bed listening to needtobeathe's washed by the water as loud as my ear drums can handle
I closed my eyes and pictured my baptism on sunday may 20th at 9am
the hope in my eyes
the love in my soul
the support looking on

then I pictured my father in the baptismal
I don't remember the exact date
so weak and out of breath
we each stood, sobbing
the pastor speaking of dad's burden
and how it was lifted
just wonderful, I can't even tell you how wonderful

afterwards he came into the sanctuary beeming
walked right in front of the band to come sit with us
totally clueless, but adorable
he just wanted to hug everyones neck

and he came by sarah jumper and asked "is he kickin' yet?"

:)

I am washed by the water

its been awhile livejournal
kinda tough to read my feelings from when dad was around...
lately I feel numb, I need something, and I keep looking in the wrong places and getting hurt
but I get hurt too easily

having a job with the church then working for a man from the church for the past two years... temptation wasn't really an option
lately it is, and I keep messing up

I just want to take pictures
I want people to hear me
but I'm not sure I have anything worth saying

I miss my dad like crazy
hits me at random times
I guess some people just don't get it

I haven't been able to sleep at all lately
I'm still awake after sleeping for 3 hours yesterday morning

all these thoughts are unrelated.. but I gotta get em out

been listening to saves the day, the wedding, and house of heroes the past few days
I love all their lyrics... so wonderful
they say things I think but can't get out

I bought a new car, and its wonderful
burnt orange and fast
and of course a volvo

I am a godmomma, and proud of it
he is beautiful, Jump's baby boy, Destin Elijah Sims

I started a photography facebook
http://www.facebook.com/pages/StSimons-IslandBrunswick/stharpe-photography/289650450124
check it out

livejournal saved an autodraft from april so I figured I'd just leave it in here...
I think I was refering to my family (minus page and mom) wanting to drink at dad's "visitation" which was really just a gathering of friends and family because we had him cremated
and being drunk most of the time we were together
well some of them

drinking bothers me
...
...
here's the auto save from april:

4.21.09
I can't sleep so I figured I let my mind go here, since no one hardly reads it anyway, and my hand hurts when I write a lot..

apparently people are talking, and it seems that I'm acting older than my years
I don't like crying in front of people because they always make a big deal out of it
and I don't like it when they say "I'm sorry" it'd be better if they didn't say anything
I know they mean well
and I'm not hiding my feelings, seriously, I just can't cry
I did Friday night, I just wanted my daddy to make things right
I don't like when people say he's looking down on me either, because he's not
he's worshiping God in heaven

the memorial service yesterday was beautiful
I stood during the second song, oh how he loves, apparently everyone else stood too
ashley said she and mallery started bawlin at that point
I wanted it to be a worship service, mom wanted it to be joyful, Page usually just agrees with whatever we say
I think we got those things out of it

.................................................
I remind me of him when I..
want to surprise people
make funny voices
get mad at mom and page
stay up til morning
eat watermelon
build something
talk to the cats
buy things I don't need
am stubborn
cook
eat faster than the rest of the family
tell stories

the list goes on...

donno why just randomly thought about livejournal
it sucks
sorta
okay not really

new job with VanDerbeck Inc, pretty stinkin sweet

on the not so sweet side of things...
after everything last year, thinking dad was cured from the cancer...
just found out today he still has it...
in some lymph nodes...
I'm numb...
seriously, you always think these kind of things would never happen to you
or that calamity only strikes once...?
psh too bad we have little power, read that in a verse recently
I think we have none really.

that's why I give my life to Christ, or He takes it, could be either way, could be both, it's all the same: I'm blessed.

crying spells happen randomly
I forgot how to go to bed early



I am safe.

Current Mood: lonely

workin... and eatin lunch... fun

2008 kinda sucked, but then again I learned a lot and I changed a lot. I guess I wouldn't change it...

I think I wanna change something else though... not quite sure...

todays been alright
first wedding last saturday
www.flickr.com/photos/sarahtharpe
pedicures tickle haha that was fun
sitting here with dad just walked with him around the 4th floor
I gotta go home and go to sleep...

Current Mood: thankful

I'm sitting outside
I feel so small
today was really awful
I just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry
I'm praying for something different
for something new
 

I’ve found the hardest things to do
Are the ones I should.
But you gave me all the grace I needed to get out.
And I will not forget it Lord, I will walk it out.
The demon on my shoulder says
You will pay for this.
Did you think you could escape all the consequences?
But it is not in me
it’s in Your grace, that I’m set free.


I feel sick, it's something I can't shake
And night after night it’s keeping me awake.
Am I sorry that I hurt You,
Or that judgment finally came?
I will not pass it off on You
Cause I’m the one to blame.



I know there’s someway you can turn this around.
Don’t give up on me yet; I’m not yet in the ground.
You've given me one more chance, a million times before.
But I still hear another one, knocking at my door

Current Music: the wind :)

I'm sick of all these selfish tragedies